blah.

why do i always fall so hard ? && why does it always have to be for the wrong guys? like can someone warn me about the next guy i'm going to meet, before i actually meet him !? like i think it will save me so many tears uncried. like i don't wanna meet anymore guys till i go to college. but who knows, it might be even worse there. i might meet a guy who has a long distance relationship and decides to hide it from me until she comes to visit. hmmm . . . yea, that sounds like my life.
i can't believe i'm like crying over this guy i've known for 2 months. i knew i shoulda left my guard up. the thing is, that he warned me, he said he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, and that him and hiz ex were still talking . . . but like the effin hopeless romantic i am, i said w.e.
CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY I'M SUCH A EFFIN IDIOT !?!?!?

church today.

so i go to the takeover like almost every other young african american in inglewood. lol. and today he was talking about sex, and even tho i'm still a virgin, it felt like he (god) was directing this toward me. its like sex makes the world go round or something. guys act like they can't go for days without it. see i'm only 16, but half my friends lost it wen they got to 16, and i don't feel like i'm losing out on anything. i mean correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like they've all turned into sex fiends, getting it where ever they can. to me, my virginity is sacred, and i would like to keep it as long as possible. and I'm not trying to be the perfect Christian or anything, but once you lose it, theres no finding it, the guy u lost it to is keeping it forever. and i don't know if the guy who wants to take it, is ready to have me forever. and i might seem young and naive, and your probably saying your still a baby, your only 16, but I'm about to be a senior in high school, i graduate when I'm 17, and I'm going to thrown out into the real world b4 I'm legally considered to be an adult. so don't judge me by my age, i had to grow up quick. am i keeping my virginity to close to my heart, or am i doing the right thing? lol, and ummm . . . no i haven't had a real relationship, maybe thats y i haven't givin it up, but i have thought i was in love b4 . . . now i see it was just lust, or the beginning stages of love. w.e. i was 14 and just a freshman. but anyways . . . at church kirk was saying how our body is a temple, and wen we have sex b4 marriage your causing sin to your body, where as if your lying your causing sin outside of your body. and i don't know, it really hit home. like i'm talking to this guy, and its been like 2 months, and like hes already tried to have sex with me. i mean, he says he hasn't but i mean, all my good friends are guys, i kno a guys mind, and um, i don't know how to just tell him, sex isn't on my mind right now. i mean its not a responsibility i wanna take on right now. i mean theres a lot of things that go into that, and its my senior year, i don't need that ! especially because um HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND ! lol, and hes not even looking for a girlfriend right now ! like i just don't get it, i'm like every other girl. i need more then a "ashley your a really cool person, and i really like you" mmmhmmm . . . && i'm sure its true. does anyone feel me on this? lol. and this girl in church was saying how she was 19 and still a virgin, but she didn't know y she wasn't giving it up, and i was like thats my life wen i'm 19. lol . . and the thing is in this generation that seems like a long time to not give it up . . . am i right or am i wrong? like people think i'm weird bcuz i'm a senior and i haven't givin it up ! like what has our world come too?? like i don't understand, i think i need alot more then girl you know i love you ! lol, i need security, i need god to tell me its ok, and god isn't going to give me the go ahead until i'm married ! so with that said, i'm going to bed. && as kirk said "no ringy, no thingy" lol, and i'm not expecting a ring no time soon.
i hope this helped some girl out there who's contemplating having sex ! girl its not worth the heartache if you guys don't stay together, bcuz every guy wants to be the first !!

NIGGA

i never got why people have to use the word so much. i try and get people to see what the problem is, but they don't take me seriously. so i always tell them to listen to this poem, bcuz it is sooo real !