blah.

why do i always fall so hard ? && why does it always have to be for the wrong guys? like can someone warn me about the next guy i'm going to meet, before i actually meet him !? like i think it will save me so many tears uncried. like i don't wanna meet anymore guys till i go to college. but who knows, it might be even worse there. i might meet a guy who has a long distance relationship and decides to hide it from me until she comes to visit. hmmm . . . yea, that sounds like my life.
i can't believe i'm like crying over this guy i've known for 2 months. i knew i shoulda left my guard up. the thing is, that he warned me, he said he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, and that him and hiz ex were still talking . . . but like the effin hopeless romantic i am, i said w.e.
CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY I'M SUCH A EFFIN IDIOT !?!?!?

church today.

so i go to the takeover like almost every other young african american in inglewood. lol. and today he was talking about sex, and even tho i'm still a virgin, it felt like he (god) was directing this toward me. its like sex makes the world go round or something. guys act like they can't go for days without it. see i'm only 16, but half my friends lost it wen they got to 16, and i don't feel like i'm losing out on anything. i mean correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like they've all turned into sex fiends, getting it where ever they can. to me, my virginity is sacred, and i would like to keep it as long as possible. and I'm not trying to be the perfect Christian or anything, but once you lose it, theres no finding it, the guy u lost it to is keeping it forever. and i don't know if the guy who wants to take it, is ready to have me forever. and i might seem young and naive, and your probably saying your still a baby, your only 16, but I'm about to be a senior in high school, i graduate when I'm 17, and I'm going to thrown out into the real world b4 I'm legally considered to be an adult. so don't judge me by my age, i had to grow up quick. am i keeping my virginity to close to my heart, or am i doing the right thing? lol, and ummm . . . no i haven't had a real relationship, maybe thats y i haven't givin it up, but i have thought i was in love b4 . . . now i see it was just lust, or the beginning stages of love. w.e. i was 14 and just a freshman. but anyways . . . at church kirk was saying how our body is a temple, and wen we have sex b4 marriage your causing sin to your body, where as if your lying your causing sin outside of your body. and i don't know, it really hit home. like i'm talking to this guy, and its been like 2 months, and like hes already tried to have sex with me. i mean, he says he hasn't but i mean, all my good friends are guys, i kno a guys mind, and um, i don't know how to just tell him, sex isn't on my mind right now. i mean its not a responsibility i wanna take on right now. i mean theres a lot of things that go into that, and its my senior year, i don't need that ! especially because um HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND ! lol, and hes not even looking for a girlfriend right now ! like i just don't get it, i'm like every other girl. i need more then a "ashley your a really cool person, and i really like you" mmmhmmm . . . && i'm sure its true. does anyone feel me on this? lol. and this girl in church was saying how she was 19 and still a virgin, but she didn't know y she wasn't giving it up, and i was like thats my life wen i'm 19. lol . . and the thing is in this generation that seems like a long time to not give it up . . . am i right or am i wrong? like people think i'm weird bcuz i'm a senior and i haven't givin it up ! like what has our world come too?? like i don't understand, i think i need alot more then girl you know i love you ! lol, i need security, i need god to tell me its ok, and god isn't going to give me the go ahead until i'm married ! so with that said, i'm going to bed. && as kirk said "no ringy, no thingy" lol, and i'm not expecting a ring no time soon.
i hope this helped some girl out there who's contemplating having sex ! girl its not worth the heartache if you guys don't stay together, bcuz every guy wants to be the first !!

NIGGA

i never got why people have to use the word so much. i try and get people to see what the problem is, but they don't take me seriously. so i always tell them to listen to this poem, bcuz it is sooo real !

him and i.

why must he always make me smile?
when his lusious lips touch mine
and he gives me that tender kiss
and those aggressive hands
that just know where and how to touch me
sometimes i wish i could press rewind
everytimee and rewrite every line
to the story of him and i
but with him i don't get lost and confused
i don't get crushed and bruised or feel used
we we get along
and caught in that moment
that combat for feelings
wen we both remember what used to be
see there's a lot of feelings that remain
and it makes me insane to retain them
feelings i wont condemn
there's always something to remind us
of what used to be
but when its just him and i
and i'm his and hes mine
and only for that moment
when the sun inturrpts the moon
and i couldn't extend my arms to defend the mon
that night was coming to an end
but see, so would we
we could no longer cuddle and kiss
snuggle and smother
because we both belonged to a significant other.

these streets

so much on my mind
and all i can do is lay in the dark
and write
me layin' in my bed with these
people in my head
these 3 guys shot and dead
and all she could see is red
cold blood on the ground
and these images just go round and round
in her head
she has these sleepless nights
cuz of the fright of closin her eyes
and seeing those images.
these streets have killed the naive
and left their parents to grieve

And these 2
trying to turn their lifes around
got pulled back into the ground of the streets
the streets cheat and defeat them
from goals that they've set
and i sit and let
the beats from my heart
beat for them
they made a stupid mistake
at least it didn't take their lives
because the tears of mine
and the ones they love
would have drowned the world
the streets had achieved to get them
and seemed to condem them to jail

see these stories come from people
real life
not what you see on t.v.
these cowardly fake gansters
seem to
shoot up parties
and turn peoples lives around
they stand on corners i used 2 call my own
corners i once considered a safe zone
they have made me scared to walk 2 the store alone
and they take pride in that

they have made
my best friend want to pick up a gun
just so he caan say he has one
he says the struggle is getting hard
and he needs one to guard his life
he says he's tired of getting scarred
from what the struggle is throwing at him
and i tell him u don't need a gun
to guard your life
because the one you need is up above
so shove that fantasy to the devil
cuz i have to much love for you in my heart
to see you get defeated be these streets

see these streets are no joke
I've seen the thugest get broke
down by the devil
so look up, and live above
because these streets have no love.
and this is not only for the people getting heat
from the streets
but the people who are living they're lives in the streets
i don't mean to judge but this is how you come off to me
i want this poem to turn your lives around
and look up and tell god "i need you now"
take a vow, to allow him to use you to clean up theses streets
cuz their foul
we don't need
kids scared
parents prepared everyday for their childs death
we need to team up
and clean up
so we can live the American dream
cuz these gangs in theses streets are getting us no where
all you gotta do is let go
this is not a novelty
you can still love your neighborhood
without livin in these streets.